TRENDS FROM RUSSIA
Despite Portugal striker Cristiano Ronaldo receiving a €6 million fine from the FCC, or FIFA Communications Commission, for indecent exposure for the immense amount of upper leg shown before he finished his game-tying, free kick goal against Spain, local athletes have emulated his tactic of exposing their upper thighs to increase shot accuracy.
Exposing skin that has never seen the sun before, the Sunday leaguers across the Bay Area have been spotted doing what has been described as a Superman stance while reflecting the sun off parts of their legs that people often forget exists.
“First I put my legs just a bit further than shoulder-width apart and then I pull my shorts up right to where my thigh gap would be,” local soccer player Joel Larson explained as if he came up with the move himself. “Then I put my arms out to my sides to gauge my personal Beaufort scale and take deep, powerful breaths.”
Larson, known for his powerful toe poke among teammates, is reported to have a 20 percent shooting accuracy, although according to the man himself, it has improved by at least 10 percent since he started letting new leg hairs find out what wind is.
Not everyone is as enthusiastic about the move as Larson, however. Ronaldo, while perfectly hairless and evenly tanned across all parts of his skin, is a rare specimen, and his teammates on Manchesthair United are not as keen on seeing more parts of Larson’s unevenly sculpted dad bod.
